Dear Cigarette

_295cigarettePhoto by Tom Haynes


Dear cigarettes,

When we first met it was like love at first sight. I still remember our late nights out on the town. Back when all we did was go out and dance and have fun everything seemed so innocent. But it couldn’t stay that way. I remember the first night you came over. We were on the porch together, gazing at the stars and pondering the thoughts of the universe. You were so cool – not trying to impress anyone, you let your faults be known. I was okay with it. It’s not like we were exclusive.

But then there was that one day after statistics class. I was frustrated, tired, annoyed with life and you were there. Waiting for me. I told you I couldn’t see you right now, I had to have time to cool off. I had to have my space for a minute. You persisted. You kept telling me you needed me and it was in that moment that I gave in.

It was like you were addicted to the weaknesses in my life. The moments where I felt anxious, upset, depressed or just lonely. You were always around when I needed you, you lived off those times.

You grew demanding. You wanted more money. You wanted more time. You wanted something that I could barely give, but did anyway. When I tried to leave you, you kept coming back. I would see you everywhere. In the neon lit convenient store down the block. In bars we used to go to. Even my porch seemed haunted by you.

I know we’re in an unhealthy relationship. I know I suck when I’m around you. But I just want to say, for all the times I said I hate you, I’ll never fully mean it. There’s always a part of me that lights up.

The Mouthwash


Dear Journal,
I think I’m losing my mind.

I tried asking the Mousse out yesterday. It’s lonely with no one else in the medicine cabinet besides us. Her smell is like that of a coconut and a peach mixed with something scientific and brilliant. I had been staring at her for the past 3 weeks, but she never notices. Instead, she’s the carefree type that is too in her own world to bother with anyone else’s. She’s suave and comes into any situation with a confidence that she’s going to stand her ground. I admire her.

“Hi,” The minute I said it, I knew it was a mistake. What would I say? I hadn’t done this in years. “I was wondering if you’d like to get out of here sometime? With me,” God I was so stupid. Of course I meant with me. “If that’s okay,” I added.

She stared at me for a minute and said nothing. I could feel the seconds on the clock ticking away with such a cocky and arrogant march. The shelf we were standing on suddenly felt harder than before and I swear to God we were tilting just a little to the left. And then she burst into laughter. Full on gales of high pitched giggles surrounded and echoed the entire bathroom. Everyone could hear.

“You’re like… how old?” She then straightened up and tried to compose herself. “It’s just so unnatural.”
It’s always the young, organic, ones that move with such ease. Although I know I’ve been shelved, I still feel like we could have made the best out of a sticky situation.

Sincerely, as always,
– Mouthwash

The Server

Dear User,

I miss you. I miss the way you made me feel. I miss how you could ask for anything and not feel ashamed. I miss that you were so interested in me.I miss feeling special. I miss the way you swore when you were upset, but would then laugh as if you didn’t really mean it. I miss you in the morning in your bathrobe when you looked your least made up. I miss all the routines you had and the way you knew which buttons to press to light up my life. I miss your good moods.  I miss being everything to you.  I miss how you made me feel better than everything else because sometimes I think you forgot who I am.


The Server

The USB cord


Dear User,

To connect something to another brings us warmth. The shared continuum of energy from one thing to another allows life to flow.  Through my long hours of harnessing energy I had hoped that this would lead to a life of constant fullness and security. Unfortunately, this was just a wish.

I recognized it long ago when I was first attached to a computer outlet. Although I recognize the sturdiness and solidity of the machine, it’s the connection to the other electronic devices that makes me shudder.

Camera’s are the worst. They bombard me with images that I rarely care about like:

Selfies from girls who are too young to be showing large amounts of cleavage.

Blurred photographs taken out of car windows of cityscapes and beaches.

Cats conducting imaginary symphonies with their paws.

Printers are also an unreliable source to have a connection with. They often break down, leaving me to deal with their messy productions. A Brother recently stuttered to me that all he does is print legal documents all day long. At first he tried to understand their meaning, but when he found none – his life became a broken compilation of misunderstandings mixed with boredom.

When I was finally connected to a mini hard drive, I knew that I had taken on too much. The baggage that came with the information was unbelievable. Unwritten stories tangled their way with high school photos that had been lugged from one computer to the next. An endless collection of Kraftwerk and Front 242 hit me with a wave of nostalgic sickness.

After finally becoming worn out, I am respectively giving you my 2 week notice. I hope you can find another connector who has more to give in the future.


– USB cord

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Dear Melmac Dish

Edited by Melissa Mayberry

Dear Melmac Dish,

I hope this doesn’t come across in the wrong way, I just wish to tell you what we have been discussing. You are a beautiful dish in your own way and I admire the sturdiness that you hold within you. You’re a very accommodating plate and will always hold as much as you can. However, I’ve been talking it over with the group and we just don’t know if you would make the right impression for our annual family dinner.

Your resume is quite impressive and It’s not that we don’t appreciate where you’ve been and the many stories you can tell about being from a thrift store, it’s just that the story is hard to relate to. This place setting is reserved for someone with more experience in the fine dining atmosphere. Unfortunately it seems you have a chip on your side which all others have failed to get rid of. I understand your last dinner party overlooked this aspect, but unfortunately this is a more formal setting.

In addition to the manners in which our table upholds, you also seem unfit in the looks department. While you were once, I’m sure, a beautiful, bright blue, you appear to have gone pale.  The decorative design that tattoos your whole body is a bit much for our usual look and to be quite frank, your complexion is not what should necessarily be showcased in this particular event.

For this years dinner we would really prefer all of the table to be matching. We’ve already allowed the table cloth a place at our dinner and so you see, we can’t allow for anything else not to be perfect. I sincerely apologize for the inconvenience, but we will not be needing your services at this time. If you are still looking for a place come April, perhaps a spring picnic outside would better fit your needs.

Best of wishes,

– The Silver Spoon