The Barbie Phone

Hey Barbie,

Looks like I got your voicemail again.

I loved talking to you the other night and I’m still shocked someone like you would ever be on a dating app. It seems like you’d have been snatched up the second you split from Ken.

I don’t mean that you aren’t getting as many dates as you used to. Even if you are 64, plastic really is the future.

Remember back when we were actually young and people still thought we were bangin’? Shit. I didn’t mean to say you aren’t bangin’, Barbie. Actually, I think you’re really tight. You never let age get you down; you’re a beast!

But it’s different, you know, in the tech world. 64 on you looks different than 64 is going to look on me. But then again, that’s not so bad. Actually, I have that whole vintage-hipster thing going on which might even last longer than you. 

Think about tobacco pipes. Who smokes tobacco pipes? Only kids in their early twenties smoke tobacco pipes. I’m like the new old tobacco pipe for people who are misunderstood. Not to say your fanbase isn’t interesting.  

I promise, I’m not trying to neg you. You were the freaking president! That’s a great accomplishment and you should be proud of yourself. So if you’re hearing this now and you want to make a connection, don’t text. Give me a call!

– No Kia