The Battery

Noise Complaint Filed

Washington City Park 

Loud sounds coming from the field behind Jungle Jim. Second report in 2 weeks. Suspicious activity noted. 

Police Report

Full name: Grey Poupon

Date of birth: 8/12/1988

Time: 12:15pm

OFFENSE

Disturbing the peace

Additional notes:

Does not take responsibility for Britney Spears music. Says screaming was due to unruly guests and denies wrong-doing. When asked name, he gave Grey Poupon. He is yellow and in a packet. 

Police Report

Full name: The Can Opener

Date of birth: 2/17/1999

Time: 12:29pm

OFFENSE

Assault/battery

Attempt to flee the scene

Additional Notes

Appeared very angry and in an agitated state. Was still at said “picnic”. Did not show any remorse for hitting baby one more time. Battery appeared fine, but bruised.

Police Report

Full name: Battery

Date of birth: 4/25/2000

Time: 12:40pm

OFFENSE

Destroying property

Additional notes:

A boombox was destroyed between 12pm and 12:39pm. Apparently direct damage was not intended. When battery left, the music died. Noise is kept at a minimum.