Send Me Your Stories!

Hi readers,

If you would like a personalized object story that revolves around your life or a message you would like to get out, please e-mail:

Personalized Story Form:

Your name: (Please specify if you would like your name to appear at the top of the story)

Reason for sending this story: (Do you want a secret/metaphoric love letter to someone?  Do you have strong feelings about an experience that you can’t specifically talk about? Are you interested in sharing your personal story with the anonymity of objects?)

Are there any specific details you would like me to include in the story?

If interested, please include these answers in the email.

A Woman


Rules For Using A Woman

Before 40 years of age:

  • Always refer to a woman as ‘sweetheart’, ‘dear’, or ‘Miss’. Even if you don’t know her. This will make her feel delicate and soft spoken. If she tries to tell you otherwise, call her something else.
  • Talk about her legs/weight/appearance even when she can hear you. She will most likely think this is a compliment since a man is giving her attention.
  • Tell her she is beautiful, but do not compliment any other aspect of herself.
  • Allow her to work in the same positions men fill, but don’t bother to pay equally. She will be grateful enough for the experience.
  • If a woman does not want to have children with you, remind her that it is the most important thing she can ever do in her lifetime.
  • When seeing an attractive woman in the workplace, on the street, at a party, or virtually anywhere you happen to be, don’t hesitate to grab her by the pussy.

After 40 years of age:

  • Expired

Donald Trump Once OK’d Howard Stern Calling Daughter Ivanka a ‘Piece of Ass’

The Fridge


Dear Perpetually Half Empty Diet Coke Bottle,

I see you. I see you checking out my shelf, pretending like you’re cool enough to hang out. You come waltzing in here, half used up, expecting to be picked up again. But you’re not going anywhere. You’re going to sit around with all the other half empty Diet Coke bottles and pity yourself. Just like you always do.

Rise up! What are you doing so close to the bottom? If you would just rise to the occasion and make yourself full again – you wouldn’t have to be stuck in the back, waiting for someone else to choose your destiny.

It’s unnatural. You’re unnatural. Look at that other bottle of half empty Diet Coke. Not that one. The one sitting next to you. That one’s been here for close to three weeks now and there’s no mold. It’s almost like it’s not alive.

The half empty bottle of lemonade doesn’t do that. The CranApple doesn’t do that. But you, you are an enigma. You are dark and yet shallow. You used to be bubbly, but now you’re mysteriously quiet. You have absolutely no smell. And your exterior is always a hard shell of clear plastic. You are kind of bizarre. You are kind of refreshing.

Please don’t spoil the rest.

– The Fridge


High achievement, grand ambition mark new Aussie Paralympic era’s dawn



The Recycling Bin



The recycling bin had far more promise. Stories of late nights with loud company drained each glass bottle with a sense of nostalgia and purpose.   Those bottles deserved to be re-used and immortalized so that its energy could keep circulating for years to come.

The recycling bin was a tragically glamorous presence. Sure, used up empty products threw themselves at it – hoping to find the fountain of youth in a more promising afterlife. But the recycling bin was suave. He had but one purpose in life. To save money for the tenant.

Every week the recycling bin lured glass bottles and plastic containers out of their comfortable refrigeration. Subtly reminding them of an almost out-of-date expiration, he made the process seem whimsical and for ‘the good of the community’. Never mind that most of those spaghetti sauces were still good, the recycling bin was able to convince almost all of them of a better life ahead.

If not recycled, he coaxed, an object’s very presence and soul might not live on to contribute goodness to society.

Although the sentiment was understandable, there was something about the trendy ‘go green’ sticker plastered onto plastic that made me think of a salesman more than a do-gooder.


The one object that was never good enough to be recycled were the jelly jars. I loved the jelly jars. As a dying breed, they were all the more exotic. They were thick and old fashioned with an unself-conscious air about them. They were not delicate in the same sense as a vanilla bottle. I had a feeling that if any kind of fight broke out, the jelly jar could hold her own. Her presence was too tough for recycling.


“You can’t come in here,” the recycling bin shut down as soon as he saw a beautiful jelly jar heading his way.

“And why not?” The jelly jar balked.

“You don’t belong with the others.” Pregnant looking wine bottles with decorated cursive lounged in the sun. A Coldwater Creek catalog bristled.

“You belong over there,” the recycling bin pointed to me.

I stared at the ground. I knew, even though I couldn’t see her, that she must have been disgusted. No one wanted to be with me. Week after week when the used goods were sorted out, everyone always hoped they went with the recycling. I waited anxiously for her dreams to shatter.

“Good,” the jelly jar said instead. “I’d rather be trashy than miserable.”


News Story:


The Gold Medal

Hello readers,

I am currently writing for the Trending Stories website that is linked above. I will be writing various articles there that I may post on here.  This is a test run to see if it’s working properly on the site.  I hope it is!



Name: Goldie


Age: Timeless


Ideal Partner:  Someone with ambition and loyalty.  Someone who loses like a winner.  Someone who shows up.


Ideal Date:  Hanging out in your bedroom.


My Biggest Life Question:  Am I worthy enough?


Favorite Quote:  “Everyone’s A Winner”


Contact me:

If: You’re a winner

At: The dollar store (next to the costume jewelry)

The Wood Stove


I once had a fire in me that could not be contained. I knew no boundaries. I knew no limits. I knew only of energy that burned.

There were no rules. I could go anywhere. Through the mountains. Into the forest. Past the villages and under the leaves. I could spark interest in anything.

People talked and my flames became more vibrant from conversation. “Did you see the scarlet colors?” “Did you feel the warm glow?” I was a thing of dangerous beauty that I thought could only beam brighter.

But then one day I burned the earth. I wasn’t paying attention. I turned to radiate my astonishing brilliance, but the grass had already died. I fled to the trees to show them my passion, but they had already bent over backwards in ruins with dissatisfaction. I turned to the towns, to the cities, to the houses of my comfort, but they had crumbled gray, like an eraser.

I ran to the edge of the earth and straight for the ocean.

“You have nowhere else to go,” the waves taunted.

I turned around. A few miles away, stood one small cabin that I had previously overlooked. Cautiously. Carefully. Slowly I approached its window.

Inside the one room cabin, there was a wood stove, fat and dusty with age.

From outside I shouted, “I have burned everything. I have nowhere else to go.”

Immediately, the wood stove opened up its door.

“Thank God you’re here. I’ve been waiting for so long.”


The Phone





1:23 PM Cute Teacher: Hi Peter – I hope this is the right number. I wanted to say again, how nice it was to speak with you at the PTA meeting. I think, however, I’m going to pass on dinner until your daughter is no longer in my class.



1:23 PM: I understand completely. I hope I wasn’t too forward.



1:24 PM Cute Teacher: No, not at all. I’m concerned about your daughter though.



1:25 PM: What’s wrong?



1:25 PM Cute Teacher: She has been picking at her nails.



1:26 PM: LOL Most little kids pick at their nails.



1:26 PM Cute Teacher: No – She picks at them until all her fingers are bloody.



1:30 PM Cute Teacher: I know you’re going through a tough divorce, does she have anyone to talk to?



1:32 PM: There’s nothing to talk about.




2:46 PM 1-434-896-3389: Mom! I can’t believe it! I’m about to get on the plane, but I wanted to tell you before it hit Facebook: Jason proposed to me!!!



2:47 PM 1-434-896-3389: Ooops, I’m sorry! I think I texted the wrong #.



2:49 PM: You did, but congratulations!



2:50 PM 1-434-896-3389: Thanks!!!



2:51 PM: Don’t listen to what they tell you.  I’ve been married to my college sweetheart for 24 years. Best decision I ever made.



2:51 PM 1-434-896-3389: That’s so sweet!!! How do you guys do it?



3:04 PM: A lot of  divorced couples will tell you that marriage is just a lot of work. It ‘s always wonderful between my wife and I though. When you love someone that much, you never contemplate splitting up.



3:05PM 1-434-896-3389: Did you ever fight about the future?



3:10PM: Never. Love grows with family.



3:11PM 1-434-896-3389: I know what you mean. Our family will never be broken.